[ Hijikata can only sigh with a shake of his head. but he'll allow Tsurumaru to go through with his cheesy comfort mechanism - allowing him to grab his hand. ]
You can't be fine, acting like this especially.
[ HE KNOWS??? while Hijikata might be the master of throwing his stress under lots of smoking and alcohol, if there's one thing he hides under the blanket especially well is probably his troubles.
you know, when you're good at something you can tell when someone else is trying to do the same? ]
If something bothers you, speak up about it. Didn't I tell you that before? At least... Talk to someone, it doesn't even have to be me.
[ it's really hard to know if the people he likes are okay when they don't say anything! the struggles of being the Unapproachable Demon Vice Commander.
[ ah... his hand is being held! it makes him happy, and it slowly eases some tension away — enough to make him say something a little more honest, perhaps. ]
If I wanted to talk to someone, the first person who I'd go to is you. I'm just... not good at it, you know?
[ of course, he's certainly not saying this for hijikata to repeat it back to him, nor does he expect him to, and nor does he even want him to; because for hijikata, there's trust born in the system of the shinsengumi, in fighting together and sparring together and eating meals together and doing chores together.
as for tsurumaru, however, being a sword means that he's never had a say in anything that's happened to him — not in being stolen, not in being sold, not in napping away centuries in dark collection rooms. is there a point in bringing it up in the first place, if his opinion and feelings usually mean nothing?
he's sure hijikata would be perfectly willing to listen to his thoughts, though it's still difficult to reroute centuries-old ways of thinking. but at the mention of the funeral, his grip on hijikata's hand tightens, and he feels his shoulders freeze. ]
Is that all you saw? [ because he knows what usually comes after Rich People Funerals — he'd just seen it, after all. ]
It worries me, you know. Even I know there's something up with Heisuke... And Souji keeps everything to himself... Sometimes I wish they would just say something.
[ while Tsurumaru might think there's that trust by being a group that fights for the same thing, eating together and doing chores together... they still have one thing that fucks them over and it's always miscommunication.
ugh... it's difficult.
Hijikata only falls silent for a moment... then speaks again. ]
You were sold after that, weren't you.
[ pretty easy conclusion... but honestly, this isn't something Hijikata can relate to. ]
Using a sword for decoration -- it's frustrating to see or hear about. [ he worked too damn hard for his own swords, of course they wouldn't be decoration to him. ] But I can't really emphasize, if I have to tell the truth because I'm not a sword obviously.
[ basically, he sucks when it comes to comforting, especially with words. WELL, maybe this why no one actually comes to talk to him.
[ of course, he doesn't think that the gumis share everything between them, but he's still a little surprised, hearing him speak of them that way... or maybe it's just because hijikata is a wrinkly old bean that sucks at socializing. ]
I was "offered" to — hmm, a ruler before your time. Names aren't too important, though.
[ but after hijikata's finished with his... rather pitiful attempts at comfort, tsurumaru is silent for a while, his expression unreadable. did he just make things worse? did he make him angrier? is he going to start crying? who knows! in the next few seconds, it's completely impossible to tell.
and then, at the very last second — he bursts out laughing. not in a way meant to mock hijikata derisively, but because he sounded so honest, admitting when he doesn't understand certain things and not bothering with excessive fluff words (although, isn't that just because hijikata doesn't know how to make fluff words?), that it tugs at the center of tsurumaru's heart.
with his other hand, he wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, and he's even smiling, just a little. ] You're so bad at this, you know?
But I can see how hard you're trying, even though you're still awful at it — and that makes me really happy.
[ as for his own wispy creature, its job is currently done here! so it's going to get out of the way, waddling over to a corner of the room for a tiny bird nap. ]
[ Hijikata just... furrows his eyebrows and looks away. ugh! ]
Don't laugh at me!
[ there's definitely a hint of embarrassment there. LOOK HE TRIED! Gosh... but nonetheless he stands up, and begins walking out of the room! ] I'll get you some water though, sit still.
[ BUT MEANWHILE... Hijikata's little fox has been under his desk the entire time and wants to follow Hijikata, naturally. so it'll timidly step out with it's three little legs and right through Tsurumaru!
so, while Hijikata is probably going to end up feeling nauseous as fuck in the kitchen... Tsurumaru might see a memory in return.
Once Tsurumaru snaps out of it?
He might hear the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen. OOPS. ]
i typed dark memes the first time and oh dark memes show me the forbidden memories
[ IF YOU TELL HIM NOT TO LAUGH, he's just going to laugh more... but a cup of water does sound pleasant right now, so he'll wait, seeing a scene of a smaller hijikata with far less stress wrinkles, standing with someone else unfold before his eyes; listening to them discuss aspirations, hopes, and dreams.
but it's true to say that he doesn't understand entirely. like how hijikata doesn't understand what it's like to be a sword, tsurumaru doesn't understand anything about the classes below the one of a samurai family. he doesn't understand what "wanting to be a samurai" means, he doesn't understand the reasoning behind his goals, but there's one thing that he does understand — and that's hijikata's determination.
it's the shatter of glass that shakes him out of the sight, and he's already up and running out of the room, possibly fearing for the worst... only to see hijikata there, with shards of broken glass around his feet. thankfully, the shards are still big enough to step around, which tsurumaru is trying to accomplish as quickly as possible, since he's worried and what if hijikata accidentally cut himself and well, he could've just asked that from far away...
but it's hijikata! he'd lie about things like that to keep him from worrying! anyway, he's here now, shaking him a bit, because shaking a nauseous person is the best thing to do, obviously. ]
Hijikata! Hijikata?
[ although, it's not tsurumaru's style to just tell him what he saw. so he pauses.... thinks... how can he tell him creatively?
and then he comes up with a great idea, considering how he's never called hijikata by anything other than his last name. ] Toshi? Are you okay?
[ he's kneeled down on the ground because he immediately wanted to pick up the shards, but his hand covers his mouth as if he's trying to predict whether... well, you know. if something might come up.
but he slowly removes his hand because he feels like he wont, thankfully. ]
H...Hey- Stop that..! I'm fine.
[ ugh Tsuru please calm down, Hijikata is a strong man!!!
but you bet Hijikata's ass he's still going to try to pick up glass - but he picks up a shard and then he hears Toshi, and just drops it. there's a flinch because would you look at that - he sure did cut himself.
There's only one person that calls him that, and by reflex: ]
Kondo--
[ ah... wait a minute.
a long pause. ]
You never called me that . . . Before.
[ ? ? ?
he's definitely not mad, it's not like he's Tsurumaru's vice commander and expects a 'Hijikata-san'... but... ? ? ? Question mark? ]
[ listen... no matter how strong humans say they are, they still die if stabbed!!
but that's the cue he's looking for, that this is familiar to hijikata and that he may be able to explain more. so he brightens up, sounding eager as he continues. ]
I heard that man call you it! You were going to say Kondou, weren't you? Nagasone's master?
[ to be honest, he still even thinks of okita as "yamato's and kashuu's master"... it's difficult to remember them otherwise. hijikata is a special case! ]
You were with him, and then he said, Toshi, I don't drink, but then you went ahead and poured him a glass anyway.
[ which sounds very familiar, ah yes... hijikata's drinking habits which involve sharing is caring. but then there's a pause; and when he speaks up again, his voice falters a little, kneeling down to sweep up the bigger shards that he sees. ]
And then, you talked about some things that I didn't understand.
[ he's just silent for a moment... then he nods slowly. ]
Ah... Yeah.
[ he'll just... get something for his cut later. right now he's just thinking about how Tsurumaru knows about this, but then once again he went back to his earlier thoughts. something's going on and this place is messing with them, sharing ... memories, apparently?
so maybe he shouldn't look so surprised.
but ah yes, sharing is totally caring. Hijikata shows a flash of amusement on his features as he remembers the countless times he made Kondou drink with him, but it only lasted for just a moment.
Hijikata can now infer what Tsurumaru is referring to because that is one of the most important conversations he's ever had with Kondou. It's almost a bit embarrassing even? Hijikata was still in his dumb, rebellious phase he's not too proud of. ]
[ ceres is just a mean beast that likes to show people memories... but after he's swept away the largest glass shards, he places them in a small pile on the counter, where no one else will be able to touch them by accident. and then, he's reaching up into one of the cabinets overhead for a first-aid kit, because aside from one or two people in this apartment, none of them can cook... and incur injuries from trying all of the time. hence, a little emergency kit stored above. ]
You said things like... how you wanted to be a samurai.
[ there's an uncertain pause after that, because it's true that he doesn't understand what it's like to want to attain a class above your own. ]
If I have to be honest, I'm not sure what that's like. I told you before, didn't I? That a sword like me wouldn't be able to understand most of your struggles.
[ not because he's just a sword, but because he's a sword for the upper class, the highest echelon of society. it would be rude of him, if not ignorant, to say that he understands the hardships of peasants. or even the middle class, for that matter.
but he'll reach for hijikata's hand then, wiping his cut clean with a damp towel, along with a here, stay still. and after he's finished, he speaks up again, rummaging through the box for gauze at the same time. ]
Did you feel like you were able to become a samurai, though?
[ how dare ceres tries to uncover Hijikata's times as a youngin'...
well, it's understandable Tsurumaru wouldn't understand. not like he was a peasant like Hijikata anyway. this is a thing he liked talking with Kondou-san, they did understand each other when it came to this sort of thing. he was a kind man that was easy to talk to. ]
Hm...
[ as he allows Tsurumaru to leave his hand and then soon wrap it, he nods silently after a bit of thought. ]
I suppose, I feel like I have... The Shinsengumi has come a long way so far.
Even so, people still tell us we can't become samurai, or just insult us -- but I think that's more of an incentive to get me to try even harder. So even if it feels like I've became a samurai, I still have a lot to do.
[ he's gotta show them wrong! this is why Hijikata is so stubborn? he spent almost his whole life being told he can't do this, or that... ]
It almost feels like a mountain I've been climbing up my whole life. Even if I came a long way, I'm still not at the top, so I have to keep climbing. Because when you're halfway up the mountain the only option is to continue climbing, right?
[ stop he was a rowdy little youngin'... also a good-looking youngin', apparently, who just flirted with visitors all day.
when hijikata continues, tsurumaru goes quiet to listen as attentively as he can, taking his time in wrapping the bandages around hijikata's hand. kashuu once told him about the lives of those who lived during the bakamatsu period — that they accomplished great things in bursts with their short lives, like fireworks lighting the night sky.
so he looks pensive for a moment, selecting his words carefully; because unlike humans with their short lifespans, he has all the time in the world to climb mountains and do everything that they can't. not that it's something to gloat about, of course — the top of the mountain is in fact a lonely place, after all. ]
That's a very human thing to say — to keep climbing, even though you don't know what's waiting for you at the top of the mountain. If you knew nothing was waiting for you there, would you still keep going?
[ since, well... he can't exactly tell hijikata that he died at hakodate before he was able to climb that entire metaphorical mountain, right?
but after some final wrapping motions, he's finished tying the bandages around his cut! he leans back, looking just a bit triumphant of his handiwork. ]
Well, I wouldn't have much to do if I decided to stop climbing would I? Even if at that top it's absolutely nothing, or a big accomplishment or even death... I would still try to reach it.
[ of course, as a samurai he has to be prepared for death at any given moment, right? ]
Though, sometimes I wish I could go back home and show my brother look what I've done, but... I can't control everything, huh...
[ well, it's a shame Kiroku had to go before Hijikata managed to accomplish a good amount of things. but that's life, basically.
he can't even show his parents! although, he wasn't too close to them to begin with, even the memories of their faces are just fuzzy or not there at all. ]
I wonder he would be proud of me, that's what I think about sometimes. Because he always talked about how much of a trouble I was so that's why I left in the first place. He was always mad about how often I got fired too.
[ he inspects his hand and wiggles his fingers to make sure it isn't too tight. it's perfect though! ugh, damn that glass though! ] It's good, thank you.
[ what's death? can you eat it? where can it be found?? but while he sort of understands what it's like to have guardians, he doesn't know what it's like to have a family, in the sense that the awataguchis do, the samonjis do, and even the vague relations that tie the sanjous together. so he pauses for a moment, mulling over his words carefully, but ultimately, it wouldn't do any good to be anything less than honest — even if that means admitting he just doesn't know at all. ]
I don't know how much my opinion means, coming from a sword that doesn't understand what having siblings is like — but I think he'd be proud of you.
[ humans are like that, right? they're proud when their relatives achieve high-ranking positions with lots of people at their command.
but there's the gratitude he's been looking for!! a very nice, well-deserved word of thanks. but that's not all of it, right? hijikata will certainly praise him even more, right! so he waits... waits a little more... and then he's going to wilt a little after being let down, looking at hijikata expectantly, as if to say "that's it?". ]
And?
[ his tone is curious, instead of demanding, trying to gently prompt him; tsurumaru will live if he doesn't get the pats that he wants, but he's going to be childish about asking for them in such a roundabout way. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hijiwanwan) wrote2015-09-14 12:06 am
no subject
You can't be fine, acting like this especially.
[ HE KNOWS??? while Hijikata might be the master of throwing his stress under lots of smoking and alcohol, if there's one thing he hides under the blanket especially well is probably his troubles.
you know, when you're good at something you can tell when someone else is trying to do the same? ]
If something bothers you, speak up about it. Didn't I tell you that before? At least... Talk to someone, it doesn't even have to be me.
[ it's really hard to know if the people he likes are okay when they don't say anything! the struggles of being the Unapproachable Demon Vice Commander.
but he might as well say it. ] I saw a funeral.
no subject
If I wanted to talk to someone, the first person who I'd go to is you. I'm just... not good at it, you know?
[ of course, he's certainly not saying this for hijikata to repeat it back to him, nor does he expect him to, and nor does he even want him to; because for hijikata, there's trust born in the system of the shinsengumi, in fighting together and sparring together and eating meals together and doing chores together.
as for tsurumaru, however, being a sword means that he's never had a say in anything that's happened to him — not in being stolen, not in being sold, not in napping away centuries in dark collection rooms. is there a point in bringing it up in the first place, if his opinion and feelings usually mean nothing?
he's sure hijikata would be perfectly willing to listen to his thoughts, though it's still difficult to reroute centuries-old ways of thinking. but at the mention of the funeral, his grip on hijikata's hand tightens, and he feels his shoulders freeze. ]
Is that all you saw? [ because he knows what usually comes after Rich People Funerals — he'd just seen it, after all. ]
no subject
[ while Tsurumaru might think there's that trust by being a group that fights for the same thing, eating together and doing chores together... they still have one thing that fucks them over and it's always miscommunication.
ugh... it's difficult.
Hijikata only falls silent for a moment... then speaks again. ]
You were sold after that, weren't you.
[ pretty easy conclusion... but honestly, this isn't something Hijikata can relate to. ]
Using a sword for decoration -- it's frustrating to see or hear about. [ he worked too damn hard for his own swords, of course they wouldn't be decoration to him. ] But I can't really emphasize, if I have to tell the truth because I'm not a sword obviously.
[ basically, he sucks when it comes to comforting, especially with words. WELL, maybe this why no one actually comes to talk to him.
he tries..? ]
no subject
I was "offered" to — hmm, a ruler before your time. Names aren't too important, though.
[ but after hijikata's finished with his... rather pitiful attempts at comfort, tsurumaru is silent for a while, his expression unreadable. did he just make things worse? did he make him angrier? is he going to start crying? who knows! in the next few seconds, it's completely impossible to tell.
and then, at the very last second — he bursts out laughing. not in a way meant to mock hijikata derisively, but because he sounded so honest, admitting when he doesn't understand certain things and not bothering with excessive fluff words (although, isn't that just because hijikata doesn't know how to make fluff words?), that it tugs at the center of tsurumaru's heart.
with his other hand, he wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, and he's even smiling, just a little. ] You're so bad at this, you know?
But I can see how hard you're trying, even though you're still awful at it — and that makes me really happy.
[ as for his own wispy creature, its job is currently done here! so it's going to get out of the way, waddling over to a corner of the room for a tiny bird nap. ]
comes in with dank meme shares
Don't laugh at me!
[ there's definitely a hint of embarrassment there. LOOK HE TRIED! Gosh... but nonetheless he stands up, and begins walking out of the room! ] I'll get you some water though, sit still.
[ BUT MEANWHILE... Hijikata's little fox has been under his desk the entire time and wants to follow Hijikata, naturally. so it'll timidly step out with it's three little legs and right through Tsurumaru!
so, while Hijikata is probably going to end up feeling nauseous as fuck in the kitchen... Tsurumaru might see a memory in return.
Once Tsurumaru snaps out of it?
He might hear the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen. OOPS. ]
i typed dark memes the first time and oh dark memes show me the forbidden memories
but it's true to say that he doesn't understand entirely. like how hijikata doesn't understand what it's like to be a sword, tsurumaru doesn't understand anything about the classes below the one of a samurai family. he doesn't understand what "wanting to be a samurai" means, he doesn't understand the reasoning behind his goals, but there's one thing that he does understand — and that's hijikata's determination.
it's the shatter of glass that shakes him out of the sight, and he's already up and running out of the room, possibly fearing for the worst... only to see hijikata there, with shards of broken glass around his feet. thankfully, the shards are still big enough to step around, which tsurumaru is trying to accomplish as quickly as possible, since he's worried and what if hijikata accidentally cut himself and well, he could've just asked that from far away...
but it's hijikata! he'd lie about things like that to keep him from worrying! anyway, he's here now, shaking him a bit, because shaking a nauseous person is the best thing to do, obviously. ]
Hijikata! Hijikata?
[ although, it's not tsurumaru's style to just tell him what he saw. so he pauses.... thinks... how can he tell him creatively?
and then he comes up with a great idea, considering how he's never called hijikata by anything other than his last name. ] Toshi? Are you okay?
OH DANK MEMES SHOW ME THE FORBIDDEN MEME SHARES
but he slowly removes his hand because he feels like he wont, thankfully. ]
H...Hey- Stop that..! I'm fine.
[ ugh Tsuru please calm down, Hijikata is a strong man!!!
but you bet Hijikata's ass he's still going to try to pick up glass - but he picks up a shard and then he hears Toshi, and just drops it. there's a flinch because would you look at that - he sure did cut himself.
There's only one person that calls him that, and by reflex: ]
Kondo--
[ ah... wait a minute.
a long pause. ]
You never called me that . . . Before.
[ ? ? ?
he's definitely not mad, it's not like he's Tsurumaru's vice commander and expects a 'Hijikata-san'... but... ? ? ? Question mark? ]
*opens medicine box* *dank memerys pour out*
but that's the cue he's looking for, that this is familiar to hijikata and that he may be able to explain more. so he brightens up, sounding eager as he continues. ]
I heard that man call you it! You were going to say Kondou, weren't you? Nagasone's master?
[ to be honest, he still even thinks of okita as "yamato's and kashuu's master"... it's difficult to remember them otherwise. hijikata is a special case! ]
You were with him, and then he said, Toshi, I don't drink, but then you went ahead and poured him a glass anyway.
[ which sounds very familiar, ah yes... hijikata's drinking habits which involve sharing is caring. but then there's a pause; and when he speaks up again, his voice falters a little, kneeling down to sweep up the bigger shards that he sees. ]
And then, you talked about some things that I didn't understand.
STOP
Ah... Yeah.
[ he'll just... get something for his cut later. right now he's just thinking about how Tsurumaru knows about this, but then once again he went back to his earlier thoughts. something's going on and this place is messing with them, sharing ... memories, apparently?
so maybe he shouldn't look so surprised.
but ah yes, sharing is totally caring. Hijikata shows a flash of amusement on his features as he remembers the countless times he made Kondou drink with him, but it only lasted for just a moment.
Hijikata can now infer what Tsurumaru is referring to because that is one of the most important conversations he's ever had with Kondou. It's almost a bit embarrassing even? Hijikata was still in his dumb, rebellious phase he's not too proud of. ]
Then... What about it?
YOU STOP
You said things like... how you wanted to be a samurai.
[ there's an uncertain pause after that, because it's true that he doesn't understand what it's like to want to attain a class above your own. ]
If I have to be honest, I'm not sure what that's like. I told you before, didn't I? That a sword like me wouldn't be able to understand most of your struggles.
[ not because he's just a sword, but because he's a sword for the upper class, the highest echelon of society. it would be rude of him, if not ignorant, to say that he understands the hardships of peasants. or even the middle class, for that matter.
but he'll reach for hijikata's hand then, wiping his cut clean with a damp towel, along with a here, stay still. and after he's finished, he speaks up again, rummaging through the box for gauze at the same time. ]
Did you feel like you were able to become a samurai, though?
UGH LISTEN
well, it's understandable Tsurumaru wouldn't understand. not like he was a peasant like Hijikata anyway. this is a thing he liked talking with Kondou-san, they did understand each other when it came to this sort of thing. he was a kind man that was easy to talk to. ]
Hm...
[ as he allows Tsurumaru to leave his hand and then soon wrap it, he nods silently after a bit of thought. ]
I suppose, I feel like I have... The Shinsengumi has come a long way so far.
Even so, people still tell us we can't become samurai, or just insult us -- but I think that's more of an incentive to get me to try even harder. So even if it feels like I've became a samurai, I still have a lot to do.
[ he's gotta show them wrong! this is why Hijikata is so stubborn? he spent almost his whole life being told he can't do this, or that... ]
It almost feels like a mountain I've been climbing up my whole life. Even if I came a long way, I'm still not at the top, so I have to keep climbing. Because when you're halfway up the mountain the only option is to continue climbing, right?
YOU LISTEN i... forgot what we were talking about
when hijikata continues, tsurumaru goes quiet to listen as attentively as he can, taking his time in wrapping the bandages around hijikata's hand. kashuu once told him about the lives of those who lived during the bakamatsu period — that they accomplished great things in bursts with their short lives, like fireworks lighting the night sky.
so he looks pensive for a moment, selecting his words carefully; because unlike humans with their short lifespans, he has all the time in the world to climb mountains and do everything that they can't. not that it's something to gloat about, of course — the top of the mountain is in fact a lonely place, after all. ]
That's a very human thing to say — to keep climbing, even though you don't know what's waiting for you at the top of the mountain. If you knew nothing was waiting for you there, would you still keep going?
[ since, well... he can't exactly tell hijikata that he died at hakodate before he was able to climb that entire metaphorical mountain, right?
but after some final wrapping motions, he's finished tying the bandages around his cut! he leans back, looking just a bit triumphant of his handiwork. ]
There. Tell me if it's too tight, okay?
me too [komyu voice] how are you
[ of course, as a samurai he has to be prepared for death at any given moment, right? ]
Though, sometimes I wish I could go back home and show my brother look what I've done, but... I can't control everything, huh...
[ well, it's a shame Kiroku had to go before Hijikata managed to accomplish a good amount of things. but that's life, basically.
he can't even show his parents! although, he wasn't too close to them to begin with, even the memories of their faces are just fuzzy or not there at all. ]
I wonder he would be proud of me, that's what I think about sometimes. Because he always talked about how much of a trouble I was so that's why I left in the first place. He was always mad about how often I got fired too.
[ he inspects his hand and wiggles his fingers to make sure it isn't too tight. it's perfect though! ugh, damn that glass though! ] It's good, thank you.
UGH I'M SLEEPY but how about /you/
I don't know how much my opinion means, coming from a sword that doesn't understand what having siblings is like — but I think he'd be proud of you.
[ humans are like that, right? they're proud when their relatives achieve high-ranking positions with lots of people at their command.
but there's the gratitude he's been looking for!! a very nice, well-deserved word of thanks. but that's not all of it, right? hijikata will certainly praise him even more, right! so he waits... waits a little more... and then he's going to wilt a little after being let down, looking at hijikata expectantly, as if to say "that's it?". ]
And?
[ his tone is curious, instead of demanding, trying to gently prompt him; tsurumaru will live if he doesn't get the pats that he wants, but he's going to be childish about asking for them in such a roundabout way. ]